


do you understand the world in which we live in? or am i just really stupid?

by hughes_sheldrake



Category: Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cussing, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, also constructive criticism welcome, alsooo if you catch any mistakes with the writing feel free to comment, but still, decided to put it on mature because the themes get heavy, especially inbetween parts with ben, go wild - Freeform, just a thought i had while writing, me five seconds later: you may say the f word... ONCE., me: you cannot say the f word. these kids will not say a bad word, my grammar big dumb and im always revising this, only referenced, some extra things added, stay safe reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26836936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hughes_sheldrake/pseuds/hughes_sheldrake
Summary: you're just really stupid, but we care about you anyways.
Relationships: Darius Bowman & Ben Pincus, Darius Bowman & Kenji Kon, Kenji Kon & Ben Pincus, Relationships Left Ambiguous, however you interpret it is completely up to you, im legit fine with that
Comments: 11
Kudos: 35





	do you understand the world in which we live in? or am i just really stupid?

It was out of thought and out of mind. Yet, nothing could make him forget the fear in everyone's eyes, the fear in _Ben's_ eyes when the world seemingly dropped from place. His eyes throbbed with every tear that forced itself to fruition. It was so useless, so pointless, to cry out. Why did Ben have to lose his strong grip, why there of all the times? Just when holding on truly mattered? The very thought made him shake in place. _Why did Ben have to slip?_

Stepping off that helicopter and surveying the group on the first day, he knew they weren't the smartest bunch and neither was he, but that kid - that kid took the cake for the stupidest of them all. Ben Pincus: the anxious guy, the hopeless, the coward, the one that needed to be babied every step of the way, took his opportunity to change at the worst moment and he hated him for it. Kenji's heart filled with pride when their eyes met on the monorail. Any second later and he would've wrapped his arms about Ben and cried into his shoulder, amazed at the boy's feat of bravery. "Dude I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud," he would have said. But it's cut short. It never happens. Instead, they're all met with glass shards and the sound of Ben screaming. His body stood paralyzed, pieces of glass piercing everyone's skin and leaving them with more cuts than he could count. It didn't matter, not when he saw Ben's fragile body wrapped in pteranodon claws and the blood curdling sound of a boy who didn't want to be there in the first place. He didn't move when Darius let out a terrified yell, and he didn't even flinch when Ben's body slammed into the side of the monorail, begging for Darius to help him. He couldn't move his eyes away from Ben's panic-stricken face. His screams, so vivid and loud, roared to a stop when the monorail continued forward. Static filled his ears and everything kept passing by. 

He wrapped his arms around Bumpy and obliged when Brookylnn yelled at them to jump, but even the dino was taken from him after the fall. It was as if sound stopped completely after that. He tried to pay attention to the world around him, _to place himself back on earth_ , but the memories kept replaying and replaying and replaying- 

And briefly, just briefly was he reminded when the world took his mother and left him alone. The bitterness in his throat threatened to become bile. In his mind, he was the same boy that stood by his mother's bedside, waiting for her condition to improve. He thought it helped, he really did. But the complications were too grave, and he couldn't comprehend it back then. He was 16, and he still couldn't comprehend it now. 

Everything became silent and all feeling went inward nowadays. Besides, crying was a useless thing to do in the life of a Kon and feeling the heat from his tears only reinforced that. Days after Ben was gone, Kenji felt nothing but agony holding the fanny pack in his hands. Kenji Kon does not cry, Kenji Kon does not grieve; grieving was a thing kids did and he was not a kid anymore. Still, the tears continued to roll off his cheeks in shame, ignoring his pleas to grow up and move on. He was the oldest of the group and yet, he couldn't cope with the idea that Ben was taken from them. 

It shook him to his core.

"Kenji..." Every part of his body stiffened, except for his hands which were too preoccupied wiping the snot away. He could see Darius's legs, and his (kind of disgusting) sneakers but he couldn't brace himself to look at him in this state. 

He chuckled anyway, trying to ease his own tension and make himself seem less small. "Geez bro, can a guy get some privacy?"

"Sorry. I kinda sorta got worried, you were gone for a while."

"You guys can't be separated from your parents for an hour and it shows. You're not gonna get eaten by overgrown lizards when I'm gone, _buddy_."

"Well, I know you will if you're too far away, _buddy_."

Kenji snorted. It wasn't that funny, but he liked the way Darius smiled when he said it.

"So..." Darius eyed the spot next to him, as if asking to settle down on the grass. Kenji rolled his eyes and firmly pat the ground besides him. Kenji had been leaning on a fallen tree for back support. It'd been placed quite a distance away from the main group, he assured himself. But despite that extra precaution, here Darius was, sitting right next to him on the log. His face was tattered in dirt and grime, and it gave him the illusion of age. Sure, he knew a thing or two, but he was still a kid. It was just strange to see a kid so bright and confident, so unusually silent, unmoving. But Kenji supposed he could say the same thing about himself these past few days. They were both grieving, but Darius was better at hiding it than he ever could. Darius sighed, looking towards him with a flat stare. "It's bothering you too?"

Kenji did not dignify it a response, instead opting to stare up beyond the treeline. It was late noon, the sun just beginning to settle down and rest for the nighttime. He knew what he saw, but he couldn't stop disconnecting from reality, from the fact that he was in the middle of a dinosaur-infested jungle with nothing but his thoughts. He lived in his head, and always had in situations like this, but the guilt had him caving in. He didn't want to talk about it with someone he was supposed to protect. A kid, at that. But maybe Darius was different. 

"You keep doing this everytime any of us try to reach out." Darius said, voice shaking, "You're not the only one, y'know. You're not-"

"Ap-pap-pap! Stop right there. You don't know me."

"I DO know you, I've known you long enough and you can be the worst-"

"Junior, you're not helping-"

"Bruh, let me finish," Darius huffed, "You can be the worst... but you're just as important as anyone else here. You don't need to hide. I'm hurting too, we all hurt right now. But I know, you especially... I-" Darius paused, and Kenji could tell he was rethinking his next words. "I know how important it is to you to keep us safe, to keep him safe-"

He refused to go there. He went into territory far beyond his mental capacity right now. He didn't want to hear it. Instead, Kenji thought about the English homework settled on his bed back at camp. Roxie offered to tutor him for the summer again after he told her about the fight with his father over his failing grades. Of course, there was no fight. That was a lie to get someone to pay him attention for once, because even just a fight would satisfy him. He hadn't physically seen his father in months, and it'd been getting to him again. He wondered if Roxie already knew, but if she did, she never brought it up. At least someone out here respected his need to maintain an immaculate public image.

"I know what you're going through and I wanna be here for you. I've gone through the same. I lost- I lost so much, too. We all have-"

Kenji remembered that night by the fire when Ben gripped his arm, as if Kenji could protect him from Darius's story. It was funny at first, but the feeling of being wanted was... nice. His eyes watered, again. God, it hurt more than he could express. 

He remembers after that. It was the middle of the night and Ben couldn't fall asleep. Kenji just wanted to pass out, but that idiot kept mumbling and wailing from the bunk besides him and it was getting annoying. Turns out, Ben had a bit of a separation anxiety problem and just wanted to go home. He only wanted someone to hear him out, even if half of that was begging to get out of this hellish place. He grimaced, but obliged to keep him company that night. Not out of pity, no, but if no one else could keep him from stressing out, then he could try. That night, they spent the time sitting on Kenji's top bunk - much to Ben's hesitation because he was scared of heights - but Kenji did his best to ease him into it, asking about what he liked to do when he wasn't being such a baby. His words exactly. Ben followed along, grabbing Kenji's hand much to his surprise and applied different ointments to his skin. And maybe it was Ben's way of being a little passive-aggressive dork, but he kept making comments about how dry his skin was. _His skin was not that dry, okay, it was just the weather._ Kenji smiled and let him have his way. It was calm. He was in another world when he had nothing to pride himself on, nothing to brag about with a boy like Ben who frankly, did not care about how many condos his dad owned or how expensive his watch was. Believe me, he tried, and Ben kept reprimanding him. So, he let the younger boy talk about his interests for hours and hours and learned a bit more about the guy's weird antics. For one, Ben's hands were insanely soft but that, Ben told him, was because he put on as much lotion as possible in the morning, afternoon, and evening. That would've explained the smell, Kenji realized back then. Everywhere Ben loitered, from the living room to the bed he slept on, smelled like vanilla. Really, everything he touched smelled like vanilla and it was kind of creepy.

It deeply disturbed Kenji when he let his knees hit the steel floor of that monorail, the smell lingering from everywhere. He wanted to vomit, wanted to scream out for his senses to go away and let him relax. Ben's chair, Ben's corner from before, Ben's fannypack - and Bumpy herself, smelled like vanilla.

And now, days later, he began to smell like vanilla. 

"KENJI!" Two hands shook him out of his trance, and once again his eyes were trained on Darius, who seemed worse for wear than he had minutes before. His eyes were droopy, and the bags under them screamed for shut eye. The stress from him was nearly tangible. 

"Dude chill, get off-" Kenji scooted away from the boy, ripping Darius's hands off his shoulders. "I'm fine!"

"You're not fine. You - you haven't talked to anyone for days now, you haven't even tried hanging out with Brooklynn-" Darius's voice raised up an octave, "And that was kind of your thing, dude!"

"Well, people change, junior. I've..." Kenji responded with a weak shrug, and more of a general hand movement gesturing to himself. "Changed, I guess. I don't know what to tell you right now. I don't feel like me."

"Like you?"

His voice got quieter as he spoke, lowering to an almost incoherent mumble. "Like uh... confident 'n stuff, I... I don't feel like me right now. I don't feel anything." Kenji's eyes darted back at Darius, who thankfully respected his distance and sat back to observe the sunset, not without staring at him with concern. Ironic considering Darius seemed more distressed than he was. "But you uh, said it was bothering you, too. I think. I wasn't really listening, no offense bro."

"Oh. Yeah... I haven't been able to sleep at all. I've done so many all-nighters before, y'know, to beat the Jurassic Park VR game, which did you know took at least 4,000 hours to-"

"Get to the point," Kenji mumbled, albeit lacking the snark it usually had.

"Oh yeah, sorry. It's just different. I want to sleep now, but... I can't. I always see Ben and - and my dad. The worst memories of them come back to me and I just..."

"Get overwhelmed?" Kenji finished for him, finally understanding why he thought Darius was different. The kid was struggling as well. 

"Yeah... it just hurts to see it all again. It feels like my fault, sometimes. I.... I can't even look at my own hands. Not without thinking about... Ben." Darius's voice weakened, and Kenji could see the very little light remaining in his eyes. Despite how everything had fallen apart, Darius trudged forward with the might of a thousand men. He was a natural leader, and it only made the older teen respect him even more. But even leaders had their problems, and staring at this kid no older than 15 carrying the team's survival on his shoulders only confirmed it. He carried more guilt than he had; he felt solely responsible for Ben's death.

But it wasn't his fault here.

"It's not your fault," Kenji groaned, feeling his sadness trickling away and replaced with anger. This kid, this competent kid with the heart of iron really thought he was responsible for Ben's death - the same Ben, his newly gained friend, the kid who despite it all, found some sort of comfort with him. But of course, give it up for the one and only to let everyone down. Only this time, someone got hurt. He let Ben die. He let him die that night and now Darius was suffering because of it. He hated himself. Suddenly, Kenji felt so uncomfortable in his own skin, like he had when he was younger and looked far more different. But it wasn't that, that hadn't mattered in years. No, he killed Ben. He let Ben die, even though he had the strength to pull both Ben and Darius back onto the monorail - and he chose not to. 

"No, no, no, nononononono.... It was mine, Darius. Believe me, you did more than I ever could." Kenji's head dropped to stare at his feet. "At least you tried to help, and I appreciate you for that." The tears came again, but this time he didn't bother to wipe them away. "I couldn't even... I didn't do anything and I'm practically the oldest here. I need to be responsible, I need to pull my weight and help you. You- you're still a kid, you shouldn't need to deal with this. God, what is... wrong with me?"

Kenji shook his head in erratically, angered at the very thought of how he'd been acting this whole trip. He lied to everyone and put them in danger constantly. Every single time he participated in the group, something terrible had to happen. It was no coincidence. It wasn't just Ben or Darius who suffered, no, it was everyone who stepped into his path.

"No wonder my dad doesn't wanna deal with me. God, I... what the hell have I done to keep you guys safe. I- Ben died because I-" His words choked, unable to finish that train of thought but he knew it was getting harder to hold back. Everything that'd been on his mind for days now was threatening to explode.

"Maybe if I just kept my sorry self back at home and didn't complain so much, none of us would EVEN be in this situation. But that's no surprise, no surprise at all because Kenji Kon is a disappointment who can't do anything right and I can't - I can't fucking do this anymore! I can't do any of this-" He screamed in anger, ignoring the efforts made by Darius to comfort him in his fervor.

"Kenji, hey! Kenji, listen to me please-" Darius tried to hold him but Kenji did his best to force the kid's hands off him.

"DON'T TOUCH ME, MAN. STOP!" He couldn't let it happen. It was an empty gesture. All of it was so goddamn empty and he didn't care.

"I let a kid - A GOOD KID LIKE YOU DEAL WITH THIS ON YOUR OWN AND I CAN'T STAND IT. YOU SHOULD BE UPSET WITH ME, I CAN'T-" Kenji gasped for air. He couldn't breathe anymore.

He sank his nails into his knees in an attempt to keep himself from actually losing it, because it felt like nothing was stopping him getting up and finding Toro, maybe letting Mother Nature put him out of his misery. It hurt, it all did, really, and he just couldn't catch a break with this anymore and now it was going to be all silent again and he couldn't stop seeing the look on Ben's face, on Darius's, on his mother, on his own disappointed father-

It all goes silent, again. As usual. Alone. He isn't how long the trance lasts.

But the very distinct feeling of arms holding him tightly does not go unfelt. First it's just one, then after a few moments, it's two, three, four pairs holding him.

It's not just Dino-nerd now, but a group of people consoling him into a state of serenity. Someone's rubbing his back, someone else is humming a nice little song under their breath, and... some weirdo is patting his head? Like a dog? What the hell? It makes him chuckle, and little by little, everything drops. That was probably Yasmina, knowing her. He'd still been curled up into a ball as if that's what would keep him safe from the rest of the world right now, but he didn't have it in him to face anyone. So, he remained frozen, even when the sounds came back and he could hear the voices of the other campers, all calmed and mellow. Sammy and Yasmina spoke about Sammy's quality of life back at her ranch, and Yasmina briefly mentioned how she'd never seen a pig in real life. He could hear Brooklynn's dramatic gasping, accusing Yasmina of being more of a citygirl than she was, and then they started arguing. Yikes. 

And then there was Darius, who hadn't said a word since but he could feel his arm resting on his shoulder, humming a tune Kenji didn't recognize. He hadn't left his side from the beginning. It calmed him.

They weren't going to see him the same after this, realistically speaking. It pained him to show how vulnerable he felt, but he liked to think this is what Ben would have wanted. _What Darius wants._ As if on cue, the humming stopped.

 _"..._ Kenji, if you can hear me right now. If you're there, I want you to know that it's gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. We can't stop here. No matter what, we have to keep going." There's a pause in his voice. " For Ben."

Kenji tilts his head to face the voice, not quite peeking out from his position but enough where Kenji's eyes meet Darius's. He can see the kid smiling at him, peaceful. 

It's there when he realized why he was smelling vanilla again. He was still wearing the fannypack - Ben's fannypack - and the little lotion bottles he carried around were still in the pouch. But for once, the smell didn't bother him. It gave him hope.

Kenji repeats, heart full of something softer. "For Ben." 

**Author's Note:**

> ngl guys this is just angry rant, i keep seeing porn in these tags so i'm losin my mind. they're kids guys, they're kids. please remember that they're children in peril. theyre about to die, the last thing they should care about is stuff like that. plus i know for a fact that a kid isn't filling the tag with that. no offense but i don't know what's worse: an adult writing this about children or a child writing that content. either way, messed up. and before anyone says just hide the tag, it doesn't change the fact that there's porn for this in the first place. like cmon bro. you can't be serious. this show just came out and you're writing underage content for kids that look WAY too young for comfort. it's implied they're in the 14-16 range from kenji's learner's license comment so i think it's pretty clear these are teens. sucks. just sucks. no choccy milk for you, because you are not epic and you are most likely a pedo. if you ship, thats fine. its pretty obvious that half the characters are not straight to which i say, hell yeah. that is indeed epic and i like that, but please for the love of all things good in this world, the sexual content cant keep going. im gonna lose my mind.
> 
> tldr: what the hell is this show's achieved demographic, that leads to so much of this content. im like 20 and i really like the show but what is with you guys and porn? queer relationships dont need sexual content, nor do hetero ones ESPECIALLY if all these relationships involve kids. im going to kick you guys into the next dimension and feel no guilt when i do it.


End file.
